Two years and two months ago I gave away/sold/packed everything up, left my lovely little Seattle studio apartment, and got on a plane heading for Chile.
I've learned a lot about myself over the past two years.
I get jealous of other people. I get quietly competitive. I want to prove that I can do what they do, even if it's something I'm not interested in. I want to be better, more capable than capable. I get overwhelmed in the face of big projects and challenges. Sometimes it's too much and I let fear paralyze me. I don't like to admit what I don't know and I get offended too easily.
Matt has probably received the brunt of this over the past two years, and for that I am sorry.
I've learned that moving every few years, as I've taken to doing since I left home at 18, gives very specific opportunities to reflect on oneself, to ask how you have changed, to contemplate what you want to change. I like that.
Along with these realizations of some of my negative qualities, I also see that I am much stronger than I was two years ago. Much more composed and level headed. I was faced with a new situation unlike any I had ever known, and I rose to the challenge. I'm so proud of myself for moving to South America, which was a goal I had set for myself several years ago. It was a goal that I kind of thought was unattainable.
For about a month before I left Seattle, I had a sign tapped on the wall next to my bed that read "YOU CAN DO THIS!!" I'd look at that sign every night in disbelief. Could I do it? Did I even want to do it? Wouldn't it be nicer to just stick with what I knew? To come home to the same bed every night in the same little apartment that I loved so much?
I'm so glad that I jumped out of that comfort zone. Looking back, I can't imagine making a different decision. I can't imagine what I would be like if I stayed.
Now, I have a silly confession to make. I was able to move across the world on my own, but I've been afraid to travel on my own. I'm still afraid to travel on my own.
Well, now I speak Spanish. Chile has become my home. I've traveled with others and lived to tell the tale....
I'm very excited to say that I am planning a trip to the north of Chile- and maybe beyond. And, I am doing it on my own. I now realize that this was an unconscious goal that I've had for a long time. Now, I'm going to achieve it.
I feel confident. I feel like the knowledge I have gained over the past two years will not lead me astray. I know that I can handle this, and that feels so GOOD. I am so EXCITED!
I'll probably travel during the month of May, as I'm scheduled to return to the US mid June. This will be a great send off present to myself. Of course, the journey will be documented here, so stay tuned.
Besos,
Allie
5 comments:
I have never traveled alone and truth be told, if I did, I would be scared too. Heck, whenever I even travel for weddings without Seba I'm scared -- and that's with a bride and groom for whom it's in their best interest to not lose me, waiting on the other end. So I don't think it's a silly fear at all, more like a fear installed in you by society that tells alone, being alone is scary, traveling alone is even scarier. I'm sure you'll have a ridiculously amazing time, and I can't wait to read about it!
Thanks, Kyle! Now that I think about it, I did travel to and spend a few days on my own in London before. And I had quite a nice time too. Still, it's scary! Thanks for sympathizing!
Hey Allie, I just found your blog via Kyle ;).
I live in La Serena - if you want a place to stay when you come north, just let me know! My husband and I love to host travelers, especially fellow expats! :)
That sounds amazing!!! Thanks! How should I contact you?
Allie, I love this blog. I love your honesty and self-reflection and it helps me as I look at some changes for myself. I especially appreciate the quietly competative part (about things that one might not naturally feel that way about). I'm probably loudly competative, but I can relate ;)
-Megan
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